How my 4-year tutoring career ended in white tears
Cue one very out-of-touch white lady (of course)
SG (they/he/el) is a queer Xicanx writer, editor and poet. They are lead poetry and acquisition editor and managing editor of Adobe Press, and editor of the newsletter .
I spent four years working as a tutor. I loved it, especially at first. I thought I had finally found my purpose. I put everything into that job, going to conferences and volunteering for events and working on special projects. I got a big promotion when I started grad school—that’s when the rose colored glasses cracked, pink shards gashing my eyes.
I knew early on that nearly 90% of leadership roles in this particular industry were filled by white cis women. I thought I would be part of that 10 or so percent. I would have died to become part of that 10 percent.
I went through a lot of microaggressions at that job. But still, I wanted to stay for the students of color I was helping. I ended up giving up on this path four years in after 2 years’ worth of anti-racist initiatives, created by myself and colleague, were erased.
If I start to dwell on the futility of my countless tears and sleepless nights at that job, I might spiral! So I want to leave y’all with a story of a coworker so racist it’s almost goofy.
the wild and ugly nature of racists cognitive dissonances
In my final year there, I had a coworker—yes, she was—who found new ways to racially antagonize me nearly every day: telling me she wasn’t “radicalized” until she dated a person of color, lamenting about wanting to get arrested at protests, questioning any and everything I said regarding my own damn culture just because she was from San Antonio, telling me to my Mexican face that she only liked going to “Mexican food places where you feel like you’re going to get shot.”
Get ready for the kicker.
When I had the audacity to not respond positively to that last comment, she started crying! I was once again the aggressive nonwhite dyke for doing… nothing?
In a way, I’m grateful for those fucked up four years. It taught me that you can’t change institutions from the inside when they were literally built to keep us out.
How can you support SG?
SEND SG A TIP. Venmo: sg-huerta-3
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